So, the Church of England’s latest PR coup is to sign Jo Brand to jolly everyone to go to their local carol service this Christmas time. Jo writes: "As usual, I am looking forward to going to church this Christmas. I’m not really a churchy person but I do think Jesus was a good bloke. The singing of carols and the churches decorated with nativity scenes remind me of my childhood ..when it always seemed to be snowing".
What japes! And in a Saturday exclusive, Always Hope can reveal that this is only the first of a number of celebrity endorsements secured by the C of E this year. We bring you the rest:
Bruce Forsyth: "the church’s Christmas special is one of the highlights of the broadcasting year. Candles twinkling, Jesus on top of the tree, it gives us a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Yes, I’d love to appear, thank you very much, no fee, it’s not for the money you know."
David Cameron: "I love Church, Christmas and all that kind of thing. Obviously I don’t believe it all as such, not like Iain Duncan Smith and Rowan Williams, but the true message of the Bible, which is that we should all embrace austerity and cultivate independence from the public sector, always touches me to the bottom of my Big Society."
Rupert Murdoch: "I always get along to church at Christmas, especially if I can get that Charlotte Church to sing. Phwoar! She gives me a warm feeling inside, alright. Sometimes I let David Cameron come too, if I can’t afford Tony Blair."
Richard Dawkins: "Of course I go to the carol service, don’t be stupid. It is the quintessential English experience, everyone singing things they don’t believe, and then home to a massive stuffed turkey and a Christmas message from me."
Father Christmas: "Obviously I don’t get to church at Christmas, it being our busy time at the office. But like everybody else, I feel better for knowing that it’s still happening. Unless that ruddy Richard Dawkins is there, of course. He’s on the naughty list, permanently."
Jesus: "I’m not really that into church, to be honest, but I’m always happy to start from where people are. I’m glad Jo Brand thinks I’m a good bloke – maybe this year she’d like to meet me in person. I’m always available."